Beatrix Dot Quirk

Welcome to the world, darling daughter! Beatrix Dot Quirk was born on January 11, 2017 after a powerful, peaceful and joyful labor and birth. It was the most emotionally healing experience and best day of my life! 

I didn’t anticipate writing a birth story at all - mainly because with my son Felix I was stuck in my own head and not in the moment for so much of his birth (read about it here). I knew for Bea I wanted to be more present and luckily - that’s exactly what happened! So now that she’s four weeks old and I’ve processed everything, let me tell you more about it!

The morning of my 40th week appointment (and two days past my due date) I woke up early to some light contractions that were worth timing - about six minutes apart. They eventually faded enough to fall back asleep. We went to see the doctor as planned and I was at an emotional low after weeks of prodromal contractions (also called “false labor” even though nothing about them feels fake!) The doctor assured us we’d have the baby within a week and offer to sweep the membranes to see if that might jump start things. This is not comfortable. At all. But it worked! Within two hours I was having light contractions every three minutes. I could talk, walk and eat around them so I tried to just go about my day as normal while my sister and her husband came over for lunch and to play with Felix. We called the doctor and he suggested we come in for an exam so around 5pm we made our way to the hospital. 

For my initial check I could tell I wasn’t very far dilated (I asked them not to tell me, for fear of a low number deflating my mood) and I was right. After two hours observation we were sent home to sleep in our beds for the night, which in hindsight was a great decision! I took a warm bath, had a bowl of soup and got a good seven hours of sleep before waking up the next morning to the real deal. 

These contractions were different. I’d call them… primal? Deep into the core of my existence primal. We didn’t waste much time going back to the hospital, which is only a few minutes from our home. I was really emotional - sobbing, shaking, not sure if this baby was minutes or hours away. My doctor was on the floor so he checked to see where we were at and gave my husband a big smile (I still didn’t want to know my progress report unless it was promising). While the nurses helped me get checked in, I asked Adam to just tell me if it was a “good” number or not and he said I was in active labor at 5.5cm dilated. Yes!! It was probably around 8am at that point.

I had intentions of going for an intervention free birth but within an hour or so my leg and hip muscles were so fatigued I told Adam I thought I should have an epidural. He reminded me of my plans but also told me I had the highest pain tolerance of anyone he knew, so if I was serious, we should go for it. We didn’t have a deep conversation at this point, but one of the things that came up was why I really wanted the natural birth in the first place and my answer - bragging rights - later revealed a lot to me. I need to write a full post about it, but let’s just move on for the time being. I decided to get an epidural and I’m so glad I did.

Although… it did come with some hiccups. I’m going to make this long story short. The first attempt to place the epidural didn’t work and punctured my dura, so I got more of a spinal block than the numbing of a normal epidural. The doctor removed it and replaced it (at which point I was completely paralyzed from that point down anyway but weirdly felt like I was falling off the bed). When all was said and done, the epidural medication blocked pain but not feeling if that makes any sense. I could wiggle my feet and toes around and eventually move my knees from side to side. I felt the baby moving down down down and pushing and everything, but without any pain. If that sounds amazing, it was, but the side effect was an insanely painful headache after I delivered that lasted a week. Yikes. At the time thought - it was awesome! 

Ok! Back to the labor bit. After my epidural was in place and I was comfortably numb I had another exam and whoa! 9cm. A short while later I was complete and the baby was at +1 station (+4 is delivery). This was around noon and then my doctor had me labor down for a few more hours (medical speak for letting my body just do the work?) I kept feeling like the baby was getting really close and kept asking to be checked and also asked if any babies had ever just slid right out? because that’s what it felt like (for not being able to feel much.)

Physical feelings aside, the main thing I remember from that afternoon was how happy I felt - I had this enormous smile on my face the whole time. I felt so peaceful and joyful - really unlike anything else I’d felt in my life. It was euphoric! 

Around 4pm it was go time.  The nurses called the doctor and as he was getting ready outside of the room, my main nurse was all like “Oh wow! there’s the head, Doctor! Come in here now!” I pushed three times and she shot out all once like a cannonball. The doctor literally had to catch her. And my water didn’t break on it’s own either - the doctor had to do that right before we started the pushing phase (which lasted less than 5 minutes). The quick birth wasn’t without injury (ouch) but with my daughter in my arms (and still really numb) I couldn’t feel a thing. 

The numbers are blurry, but I estimate I was in early labor for at least 20 hours before the active phase and then another 10 before her birth. The early contractions were child’s play compared to the intensity of the actual birth day and hallelujah for western medicine. Because of it I didn’t just get through the birth of my daughter - I really loved the experience. 

I held Beatrix for an hour before they did any of the necessary checks and it was the best hour of my life. I will never forget the look on my husband’s face and I will never forget how powerful and healing the experience was for me. It was absolutely one of the best days of my life. 

Our Birth Story

Here’s the story of how Felix Alexander Quirk came into the world…

On the morning of my due date, I woke up around 6:30am feeling something a little different from the Braxton Hicks contractions I’d felt in the weeks prior. I was hoping I’d go into labor on a Saturday so I could go through the early stages doing my favorite things - going out to breakfast, checking out the farmer’s market and arranging flowers. I decided to go on a walk to see if they would subside and tried not to get my hopes up too much. I’d felt short waves of contractions in the weeks prior and thinking this could be it over and over was emotionally exhausting! It was raining that morning and my rain coat wouldn’t stay velcro’d over my bump. I walked about a half mile up and down the road before deciding we were in business!

I woke up my husband and we went to our favorite greasy diner for breakfast - I knew I’d want some fuel for the day ahead. Since the weather was crummy, we skipped the market and went to the grocery instead for some last minute hospital stuff - bottled water, hard candies and a bouquet of flowers. I don’t know why that was such a priority to me, but I thought coming home to a sunny bouquet would be nice. I also wanted to get my house clean because I hate a mess, especially when being away for a while and coming back home.

We were kinda sorta timing things and thought to call our doula when we got home, probably around 9:30 or 10. Once she arrived, we walked down the block togeher then I moved to the tub and started really having good, strong contractions. Adam helped me so much during this time too. My favorite way to get through them was to bury my face into his chest and do a deep moan. He was wearing a heathered green tee shirt. Just thinking about it now makes me so happy. He was such a comforting presence that day. It’s weird but I felt the majority of my pain in my hip flexors - not in my back or belly. It was all about the hips (something I have a little trouble with at the gym - I hold all of my tightness there!)

Laboring at home was good. Then all of a sudden I broke down into tears. Amy thought this was a good sign and that it was time to call the midwife and get to the hospital (which was just a few blocks from our house). We went straight to Labor and Delivery and they admitted me to a room and got started on all the stuff they have to do before they’ll let you do your thing. I didn’t want a nurse to check me and waited for Donna, my amazing midwife to come in. I was 4.5 cm dialated and kept making great progress. I moved around a lot, initially wearing my own clothes and got into the bathtub about 4-5 times. Modesty flies out the window when you’re in labor, so for the second half I was a naked lady running around the room. 

Adam had me pose for “one last pregnant What I Wore photo” at the hospital

At around 6 cm, my water broke and it was the coolest thing I’ve ever felt. I loved it. Things sped up from there and the nurse said we’d have a baby by dinner time. We were all pumped things were going so well!

One of the things I visualized while the contractions came on were Tetris blocks - the tall, four square boxes kind in a bright shade of orange. I didn’t plan this - it’s just what came to mind!  I imagined them falling into place and making a pyramid shape as the contraction reached a peak and then getting shorter as it faded away. I just kept seeing orange blocks for the majority of my labor! It felt good to visualize something while each contraction rolled in and out. 

It must have been around 8 or 8:30 when I got the all clear to push and I loved the feeling. My midwife said I was a great pusher and the baby kept coming down, down, down… and then stopped. I pushed for three and a half hours - in bed, in the tub, over the toilet - and Felix just wouldn’t make it past a certain point. Somewhere around 11pm, I heard my midwife whisper epidural from the other room and I shouted YES from the bathroom. She couldn’t believe I could hear her from so far away. I needed a rest and a chance for my body to work the baby down a little more after being in labor for so long.  I wanted a natural birth, but had told myself ahead of time if my care provider (who specializes in natural birth) suggested an epidural, that I would do it.  At a little after midnight, I got the epidural and all of the stuff that goes with it and that was probably the second best feeling I’ve ever had after the water breaking.This allowed me a brief rest as well as my doula, midwife and husband. They were all working hard too!

Around 4am, I wanted to get the show on the road and meet my baby, so we started pushing again. We’d count to ten and I’d get the WORST headache by the end of each push. Felix still wouldn’t budge, so they called in my OB for a second opinion. At that time we started seeing a little meconium in the amniotic fluid, which is a sign the baby is in distress (his heart rate was also being monitored and at a safe level). My doctor said we could do forcepts or cesarean and gave me and Adam time to think about it. If we tried for a vaginal birth and it didn’t progress, it would be an emergency c-section or we could just skip that part and go to the cesarean. This was another part of my plan. I did NOT want a c-section unless the doctor suggested it. He has an awesome reputation for doing anything he can to avoid cesareans, so I knew if he brought it up, he meant it was the only option.  

I was ready to have my baby.

Felix was born via cesaran birth at 6:28am, August 31, 2014. He weighed 8 pounds, 10 ounces and was 21 inches long. They told me in advance he wouldn’t cry and they didn’t want him to until they made sure his lungs were cleared. Actually getting him out took quiet a while because he was so far down into the birth canal (we could see all that hair when I was pushing!) and his head was transverse, or sideways, so in hindsight we saw that the c-section was indeed very necessary.

Taking after his mama and papa at birth, Felix was born with a full head of hair.

A lot of people tell c-section moms “at least you have a healthy baby” and I am so grateful for that. Yet, I also felt cheated in a way. I wanted that rush of hormones you get during a vaginal birth that help you instantly bond with your new baby. I wanted breastfeeding to happen a little more naturally (c-section moms sometimes have a delay in their milk coming in). It just felt a little unfair that I prepared so much and labored so long. I felt like a quitter. it’s something I’m going to work through at my own pace. During feedings in the middle of the night those first few weeks, I replayed August 30th and 31st over and over again in my mind. If I have one regret is that I’ve beat myself up over it so much. 

EDIT: If you’ve followed my pregnancy posts, you probably saw that I was very much influenced by the work of natural birth supporters, specifically midwife Ina May Gaskin. I felt strong and prepared going into birth, not afraid of the pain and ready to reap the extra “rewards” of birthing naturally. And then I had my cesarean. I remember once thinking afterwards - I’ve failed Ina May. Well, update to that story. Reader Kait just sent me this podcast and all I have to say is wow. That really helped. (And another thing that’s helped are the many mothers who’ve shared their own experiences with me over instagram and facebook. Thank you!) 

In the end, I did get a lot of the natural birth experience. I labored for 18 hours, including 4 hours of pushing before our path took a new direction. I do have a healthy child. A little boy we named Felix, which means happiness. And the day I met him was the happiest day in my life.