MoM | Sleep Training

I am finally back to getting a good night’s sleep! And by good I mean 8-9 hours a night! We’ve been working for a couple months on getting Felix to sleep in his crib and through the night. Before I go into any of this, let me just make a blanket statement - you are the expert on your own child. What worked for us might not work for you and our parenting decisions might be different.  We’re all doing our best to raise happy and healthy kiddos and there are many ways to do that! Now… let’s talk zzzzzs! 

Co-Sleeping

When we brought Felix home from the hospital, I knew we would all sleep together in the same bed. We created a safe environment with minimal bedding and pillows. Adam and I had our own twin sized sheets and blankets (we have a king) so the chances of pulling the covers up and over our son’s head were unlikely.  We also had a little nest like contraption with firm sides so we wouldn’t accidentally roll over on our tiny newborn. He was a loud sleeper, so we tried other things as well - a vibrating bassinet type thing in our room - and then in his room - and finally back to our bed. The determining factor to co-sleep without the nest was my quality of sleep. Getting up to nurse in a rocking chair every two or three hours in another room was turning me into a very very unhappy person. Sleep deprivation is torture!

At seven weeks old Felix started sleeping in my arms and I would nurse him on my side without sitting up. That made an HUGE difference for me. I still woke up and nursed on demand, but I wasn’t fully interrupting my sleep cycles and was able to fall back asleep more quickly. YES! 

Once Felix was more mobile and crawling, we dropped our mattress to the floor and moved out our bedside tables and lamps because cords are no bueno around babies. 

Co-sleeping really worked for me and for our family. Not only did I get better sleep, but I had better piece of mind.  As a new mom I would wake up often just to check his breathing and with him snuggled in my arms, it was easy to check! Bed sharing is the cultural normal in other parts of the world, especially those countries where breastfeeding rates are higher.  If you choose this option for your family, do your homework. I’m not advocating it for everyone, but it absolutely worked for us.  Ok, back to sleep training! 

Timeline

• Birth - 7 Weeks: Co-Sleeping (with this)
  
• 7 Weeks - 14 Months: Co-Sleeping
  
• 14 Months: Began transition to crib for first sleep cycle
  
• 15 Months: Complete transition

Sleep Training

Fast forward another year. At 14 months old, we decided to transition Felix to the crib. Although I did feel like I was getting enough sleep to function, it was really choppy. I was ready to snooze the whole night through, but we really dragged our heels at getting started. It was so easy to just crawl into bed together and the new routine took way more work! We picked a start date (Nov 1) to give ourselves a good block of time before traveling again. 

Before putting him down, we established a routine - dinner, bath time, a baby massage, diaper and jammies -  at the same time every night. Now he usually goes down by 6:30 and sleeps as late as 7am (but wake ups vary from 5-7). After dinner we ask him if he wants “tubby” and he says “yeah!” and walks towards the stairs. It’s a nice and calm part of the day as we all wind down. 

We started our transition by getting Felix to sleep in his crib for the first portion of the night (four to six hours). This gave Adam and me a chance to eat dinner together, watch a little TV and hang out alone. When Felix would wake up we’d all pile into the family bed and I’d nurse him back to sleep and then we’d watch a movie before tuning in.

Before Felix was born, I researched a lot of “gentle” no cry methods for getting a baby to sleep, but when push came to shove, I decided to let him self soothe… and it worked! I had serious doubts on the concept, especially for a lil baby, but Felix was already a toddler at this point. In the end I took the advice of three of my friends that I think are really amazing mothers (and different kinds of moms at that). They warned me the first few nights would be hard, but if you stuck it out, it wouldn’t last long. They were right! I will absolutely do this with my next child around the same age too. The first night I nursed Felix to sleep in his room, and put him into the crib. He woke as I laid him down and started throwing a fit. I told him I loved him and closed the door. He cried for an hour before falling asleep on his own. Yes, it was hard on me. Yes, I wanted to hold him and rock him to sleep, but I made myself busy in a different part of the house so I couldn’t hear him. And weirdly, this kid wouldn’t lay down, so he’d be sleeping sitting up in the corner!! The next night he cried for 20 minutes, followed by 5, and then 1 minute and would eventually just reaching for his mattress. 

Another thing that helped us was to put a hand on the back of his head and on his back and gently pat him to sleep once he was laying down. This helped him fully relax and we could slowly back out of the room.

Speaking of the room - let’s talk about that for a moment. We use a sound machine and draw the curtains so it’s pretty dark in there. We have really creaky old floors so the white noise helps us get out of the room without being detected (most of the time!)

I was kind of afraid he’d be mad at me for putting him in his crib and letting him cry, but he actually woke up a happy baby and well rested. And I was well rested and a happy mom!

After a month of going down in his own room for a few hours we decided to go for the entire night. In his crib we knew he was safe and we used a video monitor to check in on him, but we let him cry for a few minutes when he’d wake up between sleep cycles. We also used ear plugs for the off duty parent so someone would be alert enough to get up if necessary. Moving him out of our bed allowed me to night wean him which was a smart first step in the overall weaning process. Mommy was a 24/7 all you can eat buffet and I was tired of it! 

In just a few nights he’d sleep all the way through. It was more about us committing to not getting up than him being able to do it. When he’d see us in the middle of the night he’d have a much harder time falling back to sleep than when he’d self soothe. The key really is to just let your child be as long as he’s safe and not in need of immediate attention.

Within two months of leaving a full night in our bed, Felix was sleeping a full night in his crib. And by full I mean 11 or 12 hours! What a huge change in my quality of life. I’m not kidding! Now Adam and I alternate morning wake ups so the other can get an extra hour of sleep and all three of us are so happy. 

Where We Are Now

Felix has been sleeping in his crib all night for two and a half months. He’s still ended up with us on a few occasions - while traveling or when he needs extra snuggles (like the other night when he was cutting a tooth!). 

Once we had completely weaned, Adam took over the bath and bed time routine - something he really loves as a way to bond with Felix. It’s great! When 6 o’clock rolls around I’m off parent duty for the night! They have their own set of rituals and it makes me happy to see Felix so well adjusted. 

I am really glad we finally made the decision to move from co-sleeping to his crib.  We did this whole transition out of necessity and it fell over the holidays, which I actually wouldn’t recommend. Instead find a block of time (two months?) so you can develop a consistent routine.

We’ll definitely co-sleep when we have another baby - I loved it so much. But I also love sleeping on my stomach again like a starfish! 

I’m not an expert, but I’m happy to answer questions on my facebook page if you have them! Good luck with your own babies and your night time routines! 

MoM | Breastfeeding & Weaning

Let’s talk breastfeeding! It’s a topic I’m passionate about and my aim with this post is to share my experience and offer support and resources for women that might not have them at their disposal within their own families or communities. I want to be a part of normalizing a very natural thing! 

How a mother feeds her child can bring up a lot of emotions - it’s a complicated issue! I believe that it’s possible to be supportive of all methods of feeding - whether you choose the route or the route is chosen for you. So if you’re an exclusive breastfeeder for 1 day or 1 year or you use bottles and formula or donor milk or any combination in between, mother to mother, I support you. Being a new mom is the hardest job on the planet and the last thing she needs is anyone’s judgment for doing what works best for her and her baby.

If for some reason you’re not into boobs or babies, I won’t be offended if you skip this post! There will be photos of a real, live human child (Felix) on a real life human breast (Mine!) so you’ve been warned! 

Initial Hurdles

I made an initial plan to nurse for six weeks and then re-evaluate. Breastfeeding does not come easily to most women - including me. Our first days were a big struggle and we used donor milk from our hospital while staying there and bought another 100 ounces home with us. I had a cesarean birth and my milk supply took a little longer than normal to come in, which isn’t unusual with that type of delivery. Felix did latch on and nurse when I was first able to hold him and some blood work showed us he was getting a little colostrum. Later while I was recovering in the hospital and my baby cried for more, patient nurses helped express milk (or colostrum) into a spoon and then feed it to Felix. As happy as I was with a healthy child, I was also grieving the C-section and was hell bent on making nursing work! 

For the donor milk we rigged up a supplimental nursing system and a nipple shield so it felt like I was nursing. I was pumping regularly (using an amazing Medela Symphony we rented from the hospital) and within five days I had enough supply to feed the baby and discontinue donor milk. That was a big deal for us! 

Felix’s latch still wasn’t great and I used a shield for at least the first six weeks. You hear women say nursing “shouldn’t feel like anything” and eventually - yeah! - but at first it’s not pleasant! And those cluster feeding seasons can do a number on your sensitive breasts! 

Major Complications

Around that six week point was when we moved towards latching without the shield but by week eight we were in big trouble. I wrote a couple posts about it (here and here) but long story short, I had a plugged duct, then asymptomatic mastitis, an abscess and an incision and drainage surgery. I toyed with the idea of weaning (and my surgeon recommended it eventually) but something in the core of my being would not quit. My milky wound leaked breastmilk 24/7 for weeks. Instead of a bandage I used overnight pads and had to change them every few hours, including waking up in the middle of the night. I weaned down to two sessions on that breast and the other side took up all the slack. Eventually the drain came out, the wound closed up and we got back to business on my left boob. 

Our Nursing Timeline

And then… we just nursed! Because I am home with Felix most of the time, I’d just nurse on demand. I did keep pumping here and there (more frequently when I was teaching a course at IU and was gone for 4 hours two days a week) but discontinued that at 7 months. Honestly, it’s a pain in the ass. I’d rather just cuddle up and do a boobie nap than put Felix down and drag out the pump. Pumping mothers, I salute you! 

The rest of the timeline went like this:

• Five Months: Introduced solid foods
  
• 14 Months: Begin Night Weaning
  
• 15 Months: Night Weaned
  
• 16 Months, One Week: Completely Weaned
  

Support and Resources

I don’t think I would have continued to nurse as long if it weren’t for the supportive folks around me. I nursed in my home without a nursing cover in front of my family, and they never made me feel like I had to leave the room or at all uncomfortable. Thank you family! The Bloomington community is very accepting of breastfeeding and there was never a time in public I ever felt ashamed or embarrassed. I’ve always had a go to response ready if someone ever confronted me (”It is my legal right to breastfeed my child in public in the state of Indiana.” Then smile.) I also skipped any sort of nursing cover ups both at home and in public. I found the two tee layering method (a v-neck under another top) was modest and discreet! I’m sure people had no idea I was nursing at all some of the time! Thank you B-Town!

My local professionals, Anne Marie Neely, IBLCE and Mary Ann Martin, INLCE were a huge help - offering free advice to all women formerly through BABS and now through Milk Matters: A Drop in Gathering for Mothers and Babies. Thank you both for your invaluable encouragement and advice! 

Online, my best resource was the site KellyMom.com, which I checked dozens of times. 

Weaning

Our first step was to increase Felix’s calories through solid foods and cow’s milk. This helped him stay full through the night and that was how we made our first long stretches between his meals. It definitely took a while and I still nursed him 24/7 until he was 15 months old. 

Felix didn’t really like milk at first and I can understand why! Breast milk is delicious, warm and custom made for your baby. We also didn’t do a lot of bottles between 6-12 months and that probably added to the problem. In the end we found that the Philips Avent Training Cup with a rubber sippy cup style top worked best for Felix. Trial and error on that one! 

As he became more accustomed to cows milk and was eating bigger solid meals, I’d drop a nursing session here and there. I kept on with his nap and bedtime feedings without fail but could get through the morning and late afternoon without nursing. It’s hard when the boobie solves everything. Nursing can be a lifesaver in a lot of situations. Whining in public: boobie. Falls and starts crying: boobie. Mommy exhausted and wants to watch a nap and Fixer Upper on demand: boobie. 

The other factor influencing my weaning schedule was an 8 day vacation in January. Honestly, if I didn’t have a solid stop time, I would have kept going. And truth time - I did nurse him one day after I got back from my trip… and even 8 days later my milk still came in! The human body is an amazing thing. Then I remembered how great I felt once weaned, so we did the sign for “all gone” and said that to him when he’d cry “BEEEEEEE”

Now we’ve gone over two weeks and I can confidently say we’re done. I was ready and I think Felix is ok with it. Old habits die hard and it would be way easier to do nap time with boobie, but we’re forging onwards.

Other Issues

My concern when weaning was getting a plugged duct, mastitis or becoming really engorged again but none of those things happened. Going gradually was a good idea for us. What did knock me off my chair was the hormonal disruption. Just reducing our nursing schedule by one session a day seemed to have an effect on my mood. Now a few weeks later I’ve also been feeling a little sad, which I’m attributing to the reduction in oxytocin (love hormones!) from breastfeeding. 

So that’s my breastfeeding story! I’m so proud of nursing my son to 16 months despite the hardships. If you’re at all considering breastfeeding - I hope you do it and find local support to give yourself the best shot possible. And I want to repeat, because it’s very important for moms to know this, no matter how you feed your child, you’re doing a good job. Feeding methods do not define motherhood. 

I hope my own next time around is a little (a lot!) easier and I’m going to start with the same short term goals and see how things go. You never know! 

Post Partum Identity Crisis

Doesn’t that sound dramatic? Post partum identity crisis. 

That’s how I felt for the first six months of being a new mom. The contents of my life were throw into a can, shaken up and unceremoniously dumped onto the sidewalk. I did not feel like me.

Things are great now and hindsight is 20/20, so I feel like I’m able to look back through a clear lens and process everything that happened. I’m on the other side now, the bright side, and I’ve never been happier or more fulfilled or joyous in my life. But at the beginning, my world was turned upside down. 

It wasn’t about my baby either. He’s healthy and happy and I really enjoy the time I spend with him. I love this kiddo!  But when he was first born and the duties were thankless, it was really freaking hard. And when I say hard, I don’t mean hard like before you have a kid. I’ve been told things were going to be hard my whole life. This was not the same. Raising a newborn kicked me flat on my ass and temporarily losing my sense of self was one of the worst parts.

What happened to my intellect? My ability to speak in complete sentences? No, I don’t want to always talk about breastfeeding or teething! Yes the baby is fine! No, I’m not sleeping. Are these the only conversations I get to have now that I’m a mom? I’m still Jessica! I want to tell jokes and brainstorm big ideas. I’m going to wither away if I only live in babytown speaking baby talk 100% of the time. 

How about the curse of post partum depression? And all of the well wishing commenters who say “what do you possibly have to be sad about with such a healthy baby and wonderful husband?” How do you process such a deep, dark unhappiness when this is supposed to be the happiest time in your life? It’s heartbreaking to endure and it’s all part of the chemical dance happening your brain. And it can and will get better (in my case, with the help of a perscription that I have absolutely no shame about). The truth is that PPD is the number one complication after giving birth and going through that has helped me recognize what I need to balance myself out.

What the hell happened to the skin on my stomach? I went into having a baby willingly, gladly and excitedly and I came to the otherside feeling like I was in someone else’s skin. Literally. I left the hospital having lost two pounds (after an eight and a half pound baby), unable to wear the shoes or clothes I wore when I checked in. My breasts tripled in size. My tummy eventually flattened out seven months later, but now I have a little flap (ewww, can’t think of a better word for it) of skin that hovers over my cesarean scar. It takes a while to come to terms with the body you’re inhabiting isn’t the same one you started out with. Is it worth it? Absolutely. But that doesn’t mean it won’t take time to process. I don’t feel ashamed of the changes or my need to understand and get used to them. We hear the media say all sorts of uplifting things about non-model bodies and battle cries of accepting yourself the way you are, but it’s not easy to wrap your head around living in a total different body, or at least it wasn’t for me.

Speaking of my body, how about those jugs? Now there’s a baby clammering to get to them, yelling “boobie!” in baby talk and hitting them everytime he wants a drink. How does that translate into sexy? WHEN DO I GET TO FEEL SEXY AGAIN?!  It’s been so hard for me to feel womanly in that way when I have a nursling that’s almost always within arm’s reach and sleeps in the crook of my arm all night long. 

But what I find to be most challenging of all… who am I if I’m not my job anymore? We spend years working towards our career dreams and I really felt like I’d made mine happen, but after the baby, you have to choose whether you work or stay home. Or do both. We do it because we need the money or the social engagement or the stimulation or honestly, because we need a break. But still, there’s this big cloud of guilt that hovers over our heads, even when we’re sure and confident about our choices.  

Having a baby is without a doubt the biggest change of my life. I can’t say I’ve morphed out of my cocoon in the most elegant way, or that I’m off in flight or that I’m a butterfly and not a scary looking moth. But I’m different and I’m coming to terms with it. I’m different but better. I’m different and stronger. I’m different and I think I’m becoming more of the person I’ve always wanted to be.

I’ve discarded the shell that cares so much about what other people think. I’m a mama bear when it comes to any judgment on my parenting or the well being of my child. I’m the expert on all things Felix and that sense of confidence has spread into other parts of my life. I’m less apologetic for things I don’t need to apologize for and that feels pretty amazing. I know my child best. Period. 

I’m starting to see myself as both loving mother and ambitious enterprenuer at the same time. I can be more than just a caregiver. I can love spending time with a baby and love getting tipsy on a night out with my friends. I can do both at different times. 

I’m not just a mother. 

I’m more.  

I’m getting the hang of this. 

MoM | 10 Tips for Road Tripping with a Baby

Road trips are a Quirk family tradition. We’ve been through Utah, Wyoming and Colorado, back and forth to NYC, up into Canada, the Icelandic countryside and to the outer banks of North Carolina and back. We really like driving! And by we, I mean Adam drives and I navigate old school style with a road atlas. We used to cover up to 10 hours a day (depending on the trip) but with a little guy in tow, we’ve revised our roadie. Here are my top ten tips for making the most of long drives with smallish children (as a reference, Felix is 10 months old!)

1. Start with a Clean Car Sure, it sounds obvious, but my fellow parents know how puffs and crackers and this and that can end up squished into every crack of the back seat. Before we left for our trip, I did a full at home detailing job. Wipe up that dash, vacuum, and toss those old coffee cups and empty bottles (and receipts and and and). Another thing I do before we leave are pack some plastic grocery bags (folded neatly because I’m like that!) into each door. You never know when someone is going to get carsick (true story!) or just want to use it for dirty diapers. 

2. Fuel Up on Thursday Morning  Gas prices tend to jump a bit on weekends or before holidays, so get your gas a day or two before you leave. This also allows you get in a good stretch of driving before needing to stop. Which leads me to… 

3. Honor the Nap If it all possible, we’ve found it’s best to leave right at nap time, stop when baby wakes up and do a diaper change, nursing session and coffee pit stop for mama and papa. Thankfully Felix naps best in his car seat or stroller, so this is a saving grace for us! When we get back on the road, one parent moves to the back seat and plays with baby for a while (usually me) untll we get to another stopping point or near the next nap time. The worst thing you can do (in my opinion) is skip naps before you leave in hopes your baby will take an extra long second nap. Sleep begets sleep in the Quirk house! We’ve made this mistake before and Felix wailed all the way from Indy to Fort Wayne (or about two hours) and it was all. mommy’s. fault! 

4. Pace the Toys Like most children, Felix has his favorite toys. Instead of giving him access to all of them at the same time, I give him one at a time until he tires of it and wants to move on. I also rotate in snacks and books to switch things up a bit. Some lull him to sleep and others make him concentrate. Babies can get bored too, so it’s also fun to throw in something he hasn’t played with in a while for variety. When all else fails, the kid always goes nuts for a half full water bottle or trail map too!

5. Wipes! Lots and lots of WIPES! I like to have at least two packages of wipes in the car, so they’re reachable at any moment (usually in the middle of the floor in the backseat and another pack in the trunk). Not only are they good for baby messes, but mommy messes (spilled coffee!) or good for cleaning hands/faces. We’ve used Seventh Generation wipes since Felix was born and our latest stash was a gift from them as they’re a new What I Wore sponsor! Thanks guys!

6. Combine Important Items into Kits I used this concept on a flight back in March and it works well for the car too. I take gallon sized plastic zip bags and put in everything I might need. For example, I’ll do a diaper change bag (a couple of disposable dipes* + wipes) in one, an outfit change in another, snacks in a third and small toys in another. So instead of riffling around in a bottomless pit of a diaper bag, I just have a few possible things to reach for!

**On our latest trip we opted to go with disposable diapers in lieu or cloth because we didn’t know what the washer/dryer situation would be like in someone else’s place and I didn’t want to be toting around a bag of dirty diapers back and forth to Michigan! I’ve since used them on another weekend trip, including overnight! I love them even more. Again, thanks to Seventh Generation for providing a pack of them for us to try out. I like them a lot (no leaks!) and will definitely purchase them again for myself. They don’t have the smell of traditional disposables (which I loath) and are also free of any dyes, inks, petrolum based lotions.

4. Road Snacks! Adam and I eat pretty healthy at home, including our snacks, but when road trips happen, we like to treat ourselves to a bunch of goodies at the gas station. Twizzlers, Combos and Big Red are my favorites! I also got some new snacks for Felix along with a new container of puffs (Puffs! What would we do without ‘em!?) I also give him freeze dried apple slices that he can slobber on for longer stretches.

8. Make a Playlist (or pick a good digital channel) In my day, we actually called these Mix Tapes, even though they were really just burned CDs.  Now we have the ability to play music through our cell phones, so I just pick a channel on Spotify and we go with it! In the summer I like 90s Hits or John Mellencamp!

9. Or Listen to a Podcast! We love This American Life, Radiolab, Mystery Show, Serial and Here’s the Thing. 

10. HAVE FUN! Babies and Kids (and dead car batteries) require flexibility. Like parenthood in general, a sense of humor and a lighthearted spirit make for the most memorable experiences. Sometimes you’ve just gotta sing louder than the baby can scream (granted he’s not in danger or anything serious) or accept that your 3 hour drive became a 10 hour journey.

Thanks again to our sponsor Seventh Generation, a brand we’ve used in our household for years.  Seventh Generation lives its commitment to “caring today for seven generations of tomorrows,” with plant-based products formulated to provide mindful solutions for the air, surfaces, fabrics, pets and people within your home – and for the community and environment outside of it.